Voices in your Head
by YessieR
Summary: Lucius Malfoy is expecting you...


**A/N: **Haven't written anything since I was in middle school. Fortunately my writing has changed, as my vocabulary expanded. Hope it's alright.

Disclaimer: As much as I'd love to kidnap: Harry, Bill Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy, and a number of other characters from the Harry Potter series, and claim them for my own, they do, in fact, belong to J.K. Rowling. Grumble

Humph, pathetic Muggle.

You're probably questioning your sanity at this very instant. No matter whose world you are in, it's not a healthy sign to be hearing voices in your pathetic little head. You should be grateful, Muggle. In stead of cursing you into oblivion for being what you are, I've decided to grant you the greatest privilege someone as grand as I can give you: The chance to hear the thoughts of Lucius Malfoy.

Being me isn't all it's cracked up to be, believe me. You think managing millions of Galleons, running massive businesses, keeping track of all the property you own, having to put up with a sissy boy of a son, and a narcissist wife is easy?

And to top it all off, I have to put up with the Dark Lord's occasional girly outbursts!

**-Flashback--**

"So then I was like: 'Bitch please! I'm Lord Freakin' Voldemort!' and can you _believe _that idiot _still_ tried to take me on? He

was like '_Stupefy_!' and I was like '_Avada Kedavra'_ and he was like: dead"

**--End of Flashback-- **

:::Shudder::: I hate it when he does that. But what would you do? It was either listen to that or have the Dark Lord curse my beautiful face! Obviously it was the more sensible choice. But you wouldn't understand; you can never be as intelligent as I, or as sexy.

The only person to ever even _compare_ to my sexiness was Narcissa Black, she was the only worthy of my attention at Hogwarts. Maybe a little too much attention I might say. But how could a man resist such a vixen? Ah... those nights at the Astronomy Tower were quite interesting, until I realized Narcissa became pregnant two months before leaving Hogwarts. Oh… her father would just _love_ that. I did what was expected and married her. At least she was as pure-blooded as I was. Unfortunately, she seemed more in love with herself than me. Although, she was rather fond of my…cough well, not something you'd ever have the privilege of viewing.

When my father 'kicked the bucket' as you uneducated vermin say, I inherited all of the Malfoy fortune, including my father's most preferred place for recreational activity I'd like to call _Fukami: _A Wizard's club that offered the sexiest oriental witches you could possibly imagine. You should see the things they can do with their wands- Never mind. Narcissa forced me to sell the damn place or she'd never again come into my bed. This is where things got complicated. You see, a Wizard and Witch's joining binds them in monogamy. So it was either sell the damn place, or make good friends with my right hand.

Which brings me to the next disaster in my life: Why in the world was I cursed with having a complete ninny for a son?! He faints at the sight of the Dark Lord's snake Nagini. He's afraid of the very animal that represents Slytherin! Oh and did you know he still sleeps with his night light? Apart from being such a sissy, he's also vain. He could've been the clone of my conceited wife if it weren't for the fact that he is, in fact, male. If you're wondering why I don't compare him to myself, it is because I don't consider myself conceded. I can't be if being sexy is a fact, and not an opinion. I'm so hot I can make _straight_ men go gay.

Then we have the problem of having idiotic or otherwise overly fanatic Death Eaters to deal with. That stupid sister of Narcissa's is by far the most fanatic woman I've ever met. Would you believe me if I told you she composes songs about the Dark Lord?! Of course Rodolphus isn't much better, what with his recent discovery of Muggle Entertainment; he's talking all 'Ghetto' as he calls it.

"Don't make me go Oprah on yo ass!"

…

I'm sure that's something for a female muggle to say, but then again, I don't care for him enough to tell him so. Let him ridicule himself. Then again I should be grateful. If it weren't for his discovery of Television I would've never heard of Pizza. How did I survive before _without_ it?!

Then we have McNair. As much muscle and good looks as that oaf has, he has zero intelligence. Zip, Zilch, Nada. One time he tried to ride a Unicorn thinking it was a horse. He still has a scar from where the unicorn's horn pierced his rear… quite sad really.

Am I the only one that has intelligence as well as a great body?! Not that it's easy keeping it up though. Not when you can afford as much butterbeer as you can get your hands on, and although it's not alcoholic, it's so addictive I almost grew a belly. Almost.

Mornings are also quite a pain. I have get up extra early to fix my hair and make sure it stays sexy throughout the day. Nothing beats Sunsilk. Then there's the art of tying my hair into a perfect bow in the back. Isn't it hot? Of course it is, you stupid muggle.

Alas, I can't talk to your pathetic self all day now can I? After all, you've just heard how excruciating my life is. Then again, your little mind probably will not have the capacity to understand all this. In which case I believe I won't have to bother myself with a memory charm. No need to. Now run along before I decide to tell you about yesterday's events in full detail. No doubt you'd feel honored and-

Wow. You can run pretty bloody fast for a muggle.


End file.
